well....would you look at that.
ive managed to skip the majority of my sophomore year on my blog.
i was just looking down at the past few posts and theres one from pretty much exactly a year ago. i have a week left of classes. and i have been listening to joni mitchell on repeat for the past few days. this seems to be a ritual in my end of april behavior.

this year has changed me so very drastically. it has put me in a place in college i had absolutely NO CLUE i would be in if you talked to me at the end of freshman year.

lets make a list of the amazing things that have happened:
1) I made the Peapod Squad, which is the most amazing improv group on Clark campus. I have made so many amazing friends since being a part of that group that I am comfortable with and have the most AMAZING time with.
2)I was in a play. Two actually! Columbinus in the fall 2009, and a student driected and written one in the spring 2010. I finally got to act and meet a lot of people in the theatre community!
3)Since doing both the play and improv, I managed to meet and fall in love with the most amazing boyfriend ever, Riley. Never would I EVER have thought I would find someone as perfect for me as him.
4)The boyfriend went abroad. So the majority of my Spring 2010 semester has been stuck to the computer on skype. We have DEFINITELY had up and downs and sidewayses...but we've come out of it alot stronger than we went in. Distance is a funny thing to deal with.
5)I went to England for my Spring Break...who would have thought.
6)I am working for commencement for May 23rd.
7)I am going to Florida at the end of May.

This year has been so great. And I'm really feeling now that I don't want it to end. Ever! At all! But that's the way life works. Hmph.

I'll Follow The Sun

The guy outside my office is listening to The Beatles, and i am in a super laid back mood.

I am currently in the Traina Center at college. Its the arts building. If i could live in it, i would because its an awesome building. I kind of live in it already. Considering my job is an office assistant here, which is a fail because turns out i suck on the phone, and I have a 3 hour art class in the mornings. Every time i come in here its like i've never seen it before. It feels really new and exciting, even though I've been at Clark for a year already. This year is SO DIFFERENT from last. I look and feel older. Seeing shy and nervous freshmen, as well as slutty and annoying ones, is weird. That was my class! We were the youngest and could do anything we wanted basically, whether it be fucking around, hooking up with the worst possible person, embarrassing ourselves...anything! It was okay...because we didn't know any better.

But now i see these froshies...and im realizing that its not as high a priority to get super trashed on the weekend and make a big mistake. I'd much rather have fun, enjoy myself, and still be able to function in class and not have big regrets. hide myself away. and be hungover and pass out on the desk...which has happened a number of times.

Also this year is just better with classes! Last year I didn't take a single class I enjoyed. But this year, I have drawing! And theatre! And french! And..econ?...Well most of them are great anyway. But I'm actually enjoying going, which is a far far cry from my freshman year. I missed art SO MUCH.

And I finally got my tattoo! Its so amazing I'm so super happy with it :)

Hopefully this year will continue being kickass. Time to go answer more phones..

Chop chop

I cut my hair today. Not me, the hairdresser. But she cut 10 inches. TEN. I feel a million times lighter. I've had the same hair since senior year. Change is good!

This is exactly the same hairstyle I had when I was in 3rd grade and got gum in my hair at Catie Joy's house and had to have it cut SO SHORT i cried. But not today! I keep reaching up to play with it and its simply NOT THERE. I guess hair is sort of a metaphor for the weight I've had on me for a little while. For some reason working at Springside brought me into a slump. But after working with kids for 7 weeks...how could it NOT leave you exhausted? At least I got cashola out of it!

So I went to Cape May with Lina and it was incredibly weird. Duh, nostalgia kicked in because that was the same house where AWESOME SUMMER wrapped up. And I hadn't been there since I was 16. 2 years later, I walk in, and it was like I never left. I felt all giggly and excited and free. I missed the beach, and minus the fact that I got pretty sunburned, it was amazing. I'm going down to North Carolina on Wednesday for a week and then I have ONE WEEK left in Philadelphia before I pack all my stuff up and drive on back up to Worcester.

Oh man. Time to learn French and hopefully get into this 2D Drawing: Visual Studies class ive been crossing my fingers over for a good 4 months! I'm an art major damnit, I better get in or I'm screwed. Well, not necessarily screwed BUT i'l have to take art history instead and im really bad at that.

Its funny. So many people have moved on from the Cape May summer...including myself. But there's some days where I find them in my phone and ask myself...where ARE YOU. where did you GO! COME BACK!

Just another sign I need to get back to school and focus on education again....yaaaaaaay?

19

its funny. ive been going through my blog and i think its really funny how much ive grown up. i decided to delete all of the entries that were unnecessary or stupid sounding. i deleted around 100 of them.
really? 100? yes sir, and i didn't feel that bad about doing it. sure, its deleting a little piece of my past but they all didn't really matter anymore. highschool, in the grand scheme of things, was pretty great while i was it. but now im starting to be hit with the real world, and im finding i have a love hate relationship with it so far.
love: the people, the freedom, learning, travelling, figuring out more about myself day by day
hate: how much it costs, literally and figuratively.
i took for granted how awesome getting a card in the mail was. now all i ever seem to get are PAY BACK YOUR LOAN! envelopes. what happened to the birthday cards? the checks? the exciting info letters from Clark? nope, its alllll about the money these days.
also being so far from home, im seeing now from being back in philadelphia this summer, is so wonderful. and i really really got in a slump during the year simply because i was not here. yeah, its awesome your on your own! in the real world! but sometimes...its nice if your laundry is done for you. or you have leftovers in the fridge that you didn't make that you can just snack on. if theres a new pack of gum waiting on your dresser or you need$5 for a wawa run. wawa in itself is an entity that i wish could exist in EVERY state...that was a serious hit to the gut when i moved.
im not saying ive grown up so much that im a whole new person, but i have in a lot of ways. little tedious things dont seem to bother me as much as they used to. now im realizing, i just really dont care. i could care less about the things that meant the world a year ago. its stupid, but it makes a big difference in how i view a lot of things in the world and how i listen to peoples stories or interests and how i speak in return.
ive realized im not a talker. im a good listener who knows when to say what when. im kind of guarded in a lot of ways people dont get. im becoming more aware of this in myself each day. its weird, but its a very good thing.
wow so maybe none of this made sense and i have to wake up in 8 hours...but whatever its just life right now.

i feel like this would be a good night to have a friend that would magically appear out of nowhere and feel exactly the same as i do. they would want to drive forever and ever and ever and ever. they would want to stay up all night and talk nonsense with me. they would want to start over.

ive reached this wall. im tired of the same old thing. when i was at school i couldn't WAIT until i got back to my own bed and my old friends and my old family. my old junk. i tired of this little world i have hidden away here. i want to DO things that arent in the rules of bedtime. i want to break out! and be stupid! and meet new people and be a little dangerous. that isn't such a bad thing. i mean, im almost 19. WHY am i almost 19 and feeling like i havent been crazy enough? ive certainly done enough crazy shit to be content with. but i was in highschool and had my big brothers and sisters there guiding me. they controlled who i saw and who i hung out with and where i slept. im TIRED OF IT. ive gone through a year of college, but still felt like i was "the young one". fuck it, im in my OWN LIFE. living my own life!

why do i feel like i have to chill with the same people and ckeep backtracking into the same bad patterns and habits when im back here? its because thats all im used to. thats all i know. i really want to go on an adventure this summer. i want to go crazy....i want to explore new things.

just why is no one else up for that tonight? ugh.

Joni Mitchell Saturdays..

Its spring. The birds are chirping in the tree outside my window, its raining, its humid, and the clouds are light gray and hanging really low. I haven't done a single thing productive...not like I wanted to or need to at this exact moment. I'm listening to Joni Mitchell. I normally don't listen to her. But Joni Mitchell reminds me of Isabel, and Isabel reminds me of home, and this kinda of weather reminds me of when I turned 16. Man, was I an idiot. I like to think I've made significant progress since then, but its a slow drive up that long hill. I'm realizing sometimes people and places are just there at the right time. Right when you are changing and figuring out your young life, what they do and say really matters to you so much. They have so much wisdom that you can't help but suck in and carry as the tippy top of "right". But right now, I'm realizing that some of the stuff I believed was awesome and some of the people I held up on a pedastal aren't really that great after all.

This kind of weather makes me excited...but also sad. I have a week left of classes. After that I take some big tests and move my junk back to Philadelphia for the summer. My junk. I can't help but feel like I'm living out of a suitcase sometimes. I'm having a mini home crisis. Where is home? Where do i feel at home?
I used to feel at home in my bed staring out my window with all the pictures on my wall making me feel satisfied with everything I had accomplished up until that point. I used to feel at home at the Rec. I used to feel at home at Springside.
But everythings different now. I feel at home driving my car. I feel at home in this frigid awkwardly shaped funny little state called Massachusetts. I like not knowing things. I like getting lost here. I may have the worst luck at travel, but I like it. People who know people here...I just couldn't do that. I couldn't be like "oh hey, that person went to my highschool!"
I like being the short crazy loon girl from Philadelphia with the awkward brothers, crazy mom, and sick nasty dad who draws pictures and wants to try and do it forever.

So I'll be home this summer, working, catching up with the kids. But what I really want to do are things out of the ordinary. I want to explore what I like. I want to go to the beach alot more. I want to swim. I want to drive. I want to lie out. I want to eat popsicles and hummus and cereal everyday. I want to be there right now.

So its April 9th, and I'm still alive and breathing. Surprising? A little yeah. My freshman year is almost OVER. I have no idea where all the time went. Most likely it went hand in hand with all the money I ever earned. Its been a difficult second semester for me, partially due to my classes, but also just distancing myself from home and here and finding a decent balance. My home is Philadelphia, but a huge chunk of my family and support system is in Massachusetts. Its going to be difficult having to pack up all my stuff and leave Bullock, not just the building, but the family I found in it. Being in Bullock shaped by freshman experience, and each day I can't believe I'm that much closer to having to leave it.
The summer is coming closer each day too, and I am SO happy for that. This summer I want something new and crazy and amazing to happen, and I think it will. I can't wait to be carefree and play and be a grown up all at the same time. I can't wait for 19 and Dave Matthews and fireworks and budlime and roasting marshmallows. I can't wait for the Oldsmobile. Being away from home makes you see just how big the world is and how great too, but sometimes you just need to get back to comfortable and old and your own house. And believe me, I don't think I can sleep in a bunkbed forever...oh no.
So here we go, the rest of April to get through...but May 4th? Watch out...the summer of 09 will be just beginning.